Livin' Thru!

The time has come for me to get back on track and interject this blog with some of seriousness and purpose that I originally intended.

So I would like to discuss my thoughts, feelings and fears about being a person living with HIV. But, don’t worry I’ll try to infuse my journey with my patented brand of humor.
It’s funny how the best part of my diagnosis is also to me the hardest part. Three years ago when I found out my HIV status, I was just getting my yearly check up and like always I took the HIVtest.

Well not only did I find out I was positive, my T-Cells were pretty much in the toilet, yet I was not sick. I didn’t even have a hint of a cold. So here I was feeling in perfect health yet on paper it looked really bad. So bad in fact I had to begin the meds regimen right away. The only way I could describe how I felt mental is to refer to it as a "total mind fuck." And all the doctors’ would reassure me by saying "Remember that you are not dying of AIDS, but living with HIV. This was the last thing I really needed to hear. Granted the doctors meant well, but finally I just snapped at one of them and made like Lynn Redgrave in one of her 80's Weight Watchers commercials and scream "This is Living?!?!"

At the time, only my friends Oliver & Amanda knew what I was dealing with and I was in no position mentally to let my immediate family in on my dilemma.

When I was prescribed the med cocktail of Combiver in the morning and Combiver & Sustiva in the evening, I was made full aware of the side effects that may occur. So I decided to being the regimen on a Friday night so at least I would have the weekend to work through any of those possible side effects.

Luckily the only side effect that I experienced was vomiting. Unfortunately though that Sunday we had a big family get together celebrating Mimi’s 90th birthday. So during the course of the party I made several trips to the bathroom. Alas, my trips fell under the radar of my noisy family (especially Netty) du to the fact that my Uncle Barry was dating this woman who was known for stocking her purse with a few or few dozen nip bottles. So no one paid any attention to how many trips I was making the powder room. All the attention was focused on the girlfriend. I should’ve sent Uncle Barry a "Thank You" card for his impeccable taste in women.

Well now the hard part is over and everyone in my family who "needed to know" is aware. I put "needed to know" in quotes because while I did agree with the doctors’ that everyone did not need to know, there were certain people who did. I mean to this day I’ve been lucky HIV wise and had never been sick, not even the sniffles, but I felt that God forbid something did occur and my immediate family was not aware of my status, it would be too hard to deal with something like this all at once. That way any anger, sadness and/or hostility could be taken in small doses and we could move onto the next dilemma.

I do understand that it is defiantly hard on my reserved non-progressive parents to have a son with HIV. When I was just dealing with the HIV and not the seizures & other dramas, my father would only ask about my health when he had a few beers in him, but he is better about talking to me now. Netty on the other hand needs to be occasionally reminded the only days, I will not discuss my health on my birthday or Christmas.

Now I am working on the next obstacle of living with HIV. And that is dating and meeting new people. For a couple of years I did shut myself of from the outside world, except for family, friends & co-workers. Now I am trying to push myself back out there. When chatting with new people especially prospective dates, I tell them right off the bat or at least at the beginning stages of getting to know someone, even though I don’t really need to disclose my status right away. I just don’t want them to find out down the line and have the feeling of being misled or betrayed. Ok, That’s a crock of shit. I tell people right away because I want to protect myself. There is still a lot of prejudice about HIV and I don’t to want to get too emotionally involved with someone only to have my heart torn out. This way if they know at the beginning and have a problem with it, they can just go screw themselves and not me.

Hopefully if any of my readers are dealing with the HIV issue can read this post and relate but also laugh a little bit knowing that there is some out there who knows what they are going through. And also know if someone like me can go through it and still get up each morning with the same drive and determination for living, anybody can do it.