I Write The Song That Make The Whole World Cringe!

Now The Diva's & my tomfoolery doesn't just consist of stealing, we are also known for our song writing skills. To be more to the point, our song parody writing skills.

It all began the night we went out to the disco Polly Estha’s. Polly Estha’s was primarily known for classic 80's club songs. As par of the course when I would dance and drink, certain songs would get stuck in my head long after I left a club. So while driving home, The Diva and I were sitting in the back seat and I was serenading the other passengers with that old 80's chestnut "Diamond Girl" by Nice & Wild. When The Diva blurts out she needed a new message on her answering machine.

So being three sheets to the wind, I grabbed her cell phone dialed her voice messenger and proceed to sing the following: (be aware you need to know the song to get the parody Don't worry I checked the video is on YouTube to refresh.)


Mandy Girl Isn’t Home.
So Leave A Message At The Tone.
Cuz She’s Probably On Another Call.
Yes!
Or She’s Hanging At The Mall.
Yes!
Or She’s On A Booty Call!
Yes!


Then there was the time that The Diva and I drove all night to Nofolk, Virginia, which we affectionately referred to as Nofuck, Vagina (again not that original), to visit her family. While driving down the highway at 5 am and high on cookies and Mountain Dew, Toni Braxton’s classic "Unbreak My Heart.". At that moment I rolled down the window turned in another memorable classic. Unsmell My Fart."

On that sour note, I will end the second chapter in "The (Mis)Adventures of Then Diva & Her Divo".

The Art Of Stealing!

Well I finally got the phone call that I’ve been half dreading. It was from "The Diva" (my fag hag for the last 15 years, Amanda).

"How come there aren’t more stories and dedications about me like the one you wrote about Oliver."

Well Diva your wish is my command.

The majority of our misadventures always seemed to involve stealing items from public places and trying to one up each other with our pirates’ booty.

The first item we swiped wasn’t very original, but it set the ball in motion. The Diva stole a Grey Pupoun jar & we processed to drive around town asking passers-by if "they would like some Grey Pupoun."

After that the ante needed to be upped. So one night when we were at the old nightclub where Oliver worked, Friends’ Landing in Haverhill MA, The Diva was admiring the table top Christmas trees. So the next night I went to club alone and proceeded to slyly take one of the trees off the window sill and shove it down the front of my pants. While the security guard gave me a look as I was exiting, he did not suspect what was down my pants. I guess he just thought I was happy to see him. Then I drove to The Diva’s house and left it in her driveway for her to find the next morning.

Not to brag but I did have better skills when it came to swiping items than The Diva. Because one Halloween she decided, she wanted to steal a pumpkin off the front of a store. Well she grabbed the pumpkin and began to run with it down the parking lot. Needless to say she was carrying the pumpkin by the stem and it proceeded to break. The stem wacked in the chin leaving a bruise and the pumpkin bounced down the parking lot.

However The Diva’s skills did get better. As on one faithful night she was out drinking with her friend Teresa while I was home sleeping. The two of them commiserated and stole the cardboard cut out of the Killian’s Beer girl from the bar. They then drove to my apartment, knocked on my door and ran behind the bushes . When I got to the door, half asleep mind you, it took me about 10 seconds to realize that the girl at my door was cardboard. At that moment, The Diva & Teresa jumped out from behind the bushes and yelled, "Gotcha!"

So concludes this first but certainly not last chapter of "The (Mis)Adventures of Then Diva & Her Divo".

Oh No They Didn't!

So, I’m sitting here watching Law & Order and every time it’s commercial break I’m inundated with a advertisement for lube. WTF, it’s 3:30 in the afternoon people.

First there was one for a product called Yours & Mine, which according to the commercial provides equal pleasure and satisfaction to both parties involved in the intimate act.

Then at another commercial break there was another ad. This one was geared towards those male individuals who are not lucky enough to have a partner to stimulate them. So you guessed it kids, they call the product J/O. Aw hell no!

Not that I’m a prude or I don’t understand the need for a little assistance in art of satisfying one self. But come on now, there is a time and a place for these types of advertisements. Like say after 9pm not after school. Hello?

Also before I get any sass for posting the pictures of the lubricants on my blog, I did take the initiative of adding and adult content disclaimer before going on the blog.

Viewing The View With Whoopi.

With all my spare time lately, I naturally been logging in many hours watching TV, especially the AM shows.

So I need to give props to Rosie O’Donnell’s replacement on The View, Whoopi Goldberg and her handling of discussion with ditzy Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Also I would like to place a bet with someone to see how long it will take Goldberg to blow her stack the way O’Donnell used to do as soon as Hasselbeck opens her mouth and spews her airheaded opinions.

Don’t get me wrong. Goldberg is handling herself at the moment with reserve and grace that O'Donnell lacked. But just looking at Goldberg as Hassellbeck speaks her mind, you can see the smoke coming out of Goldberg's ears as she is trying to bite her tongue and hold back.

Is it just me or does anyone else notice this?

Don't F*** With The Women In My Family!

So I got a few responses back about my blog. The majority of readers seem to really enjoy it when I share stories of my beloved Mimi.

So here’s a few more.

As I discussed in previous posts, Mimi liked to speak her mind and say & do exactly what she felt, especially in her later years. Pretty much the way Sophia did on the classic The Golden Girls, except Mimi was a bit more R-rated.

The first and best example of this was when Netty & I went to Mimi’s house to help her balance her checkbook.

Now I have to be fair to Netty here. While we all love her and understand she always has our best interests & intentions at heart; she lacks the delicate skill of getting her views across.

Case in point. Netty was explaining to Mimi how a checkbook should be properly balanced. Netty was using a tone that was a little too authoritarian for Mimi and Mimi was becoming a little offend to point that she needed to let her frustration out. So as I was sitting in between them at the kitchen table, Mimi told Netty exactly what she could do to the checkbook & herself. Unfortunately the Polygrip had worn off and as Mimi was spewing out the f-word her top teeth came out of her mouth and flew across the table grazing the tip of my nose. Well after the second of shocked horror set in, I proceeded to get up from the table and run into the other room. A few moments later, Netty came chasing after me expecting to see crying tears of sadness. She was surprised to see however while I was crying, the tears were not ones of sadness but utter hysteria.

Mimi’s straight forwardness was not limited to just family members mind you, but also complete strangers.

During the final years of her life, Mimi lived in an assisted living home. In this living home there was a common area where residents got together to watch TV. There was one particular male resident who would always interrupt the peaceful viewing and change the channel to a program he preferred to watch. Well, one day Mimi had enough and threatened to hit him with her walker if he continued to behave this way.

The following day, the gentleman proceeded to behave in the same manor. So Mimi, being a woman of good faith & word, proceeded to get up, go over to him, and slam her walker into his crotch. Unfortunately, this act of defiance banned Mimi from watching TV in the common area ever again.

Come on now! It wasn’t like Mimi didn’t have the courtesy to warn the guy!

Mimi’s defiance and outspokenness are defiantly hereditary traits.

I say this because one night while Mimi and I were having one of our late night talks she shared a story about Netty.

Netty used to work in Boston and take the train to and from the city each day. On one particular day, Netty was walking off the train and down the stairs. A guy bumped into her and his face landed firmly on her breast. The guy stated after the incident, "It was a good thing I landed on something soft." Netty of course being the daughter of the original ball buster punched him in the face and retorted, "Oh yeah, how soft did that feel!" and proceeded to walk to her car.

So the lesson learned here kids is, Don't f*** with the women in my family. They know their way around the rodeo.

What A World? What A World!

OMG! The Today Show is on in the background as I think of stories to add to my blog. How many times do we have to be inundated with the infamous Miley Cyrus photos?

On the flip side, what about last month & the big controversy of a 50 year old Jamie Lee Curtis showing off her bare shoulders on the cover of AARP. We've seen more of her in the 80's than we did in that photo.

But back to Cyrus!

Come on people first of all the pictures are not that big of a freakin’ deal. They’s not THAT racy .Ohhh! We see her bare back. Can someone refresh my memory here? Was there such an uproar back in the 70's when Brooke Shields played a prepubescent prostitute running around naked in Louis Malle’s Pretty Baby.

Besides how many pre teens are reading Vanity Fair anyway.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here, there are worse things being done by kids older and younger, famous (The Spears girls) and not so famous (the polyemist cult) than Cyrus.

But, if we have to go through the process of placing the blame let’s put it in its proper place. The parents! They allowed the pictures to be taken. They were present when the pictures were taken. I am also sure afterwards they given final approval on what pictures to use and publish.

We are living in a world where our kids are growing up fast. I’m not saying that we need to shut the kids off from the world until adulthood, but to be aware of what is out there in the world.
It is important that parents and guardians do their best to monitor what and how the kids see things and to be prepared to have open & honest discussions with them.

Also let the kids be kids and enjoy those early years of innocense. It doesn’t last!

I know I’m not a parent and I know there are things about me and my life that my nephew & nieces don’t know. They are very young and they don’t need to know at this stage of the game. But I feel I do have responsibility & time to prepare if I do inquire about me in the future. Also, since I am the uncle, I do have the responsibility to not answer any of their inquires until I have a prpper discussion with their parents. Because like I said previous if the parents are present in their lives, they have final say in what should and should not be discussed with the children.

Am I wrong?

Everything's Better With Feta!

Except when your nosy dog, Sasha, goes in to your upstairs neighbor’s apartment and eats all the Feta cheese off her salad that was left on her bedroom floor.

Before I get any crap for telling this story on my blog, I take full responsibility. I should of left my little pork chop downstairs.

The real reason I need to tell this story is to vent & protect Sasha from my fury. I've spent the last 2 days cleaning up her messes caused by an her upset stomach. Why she has this need to relieve herself in the very area that I like to sit or sleep, I will never know? This has culminated when I was woken up at 5:30 AM so she could go potty. When we crawled back into bed a few minutes later and I was about to fall asleep, Sasha proceeded to upchuck all down my back. and all over my sheets.

So to my neighbors Jackie & Aja, I am apologize if I was too loud this morning slamming doors and washing machines.