Double "Homo"side!

Oh Goodie!! Another episode about homicidal homosexuals.

But this time

Det. Curtis

will help

Briscoe

crack the case!

Now that the L&O mini marathon is over.

I'll switch channels over to

the Logo Network.

But I'll stay with the L&O theme

to watch Det. Goren (Vincent D'Onofrio)

play a bisexual porn star in 1998's

The Velocity of Gary.

Fun Day Of TV Viewing!

It's Not All About Joan, Kids!

Photos & Quotes To Cheer Me & Others Up!

"Fasten Your Seat Belts! It's Gonna Be A Bumpy Life!"

"l'll Plant My Own Tree!"

Hedwig on L&O!

Woo Hoo! Hedwig is guest starring on an episode of Law & Order, playing a gay hustler.

Brisco & Logan are investigating a "homo"side.

I'm not making the word up! They said it on the show!

It's more fun seeing us homosexuals playing the sinners & not the saints. More depth & range, don't ya think?

But Ya Ah Blanche! But Ya Ah In Trapped In Haverhill!

There Are Just Days I Relate Her!

Anyone Else?

Swallowing My Pride & Asking For Help!

More & more I am trying not to rely on others for assistance in getting me places. I want to be as independent as I was before my accident.

But after my last recent trip to a doctor’s appointment, I’m going swallow my pride whole and ask for someone to give me a ride, now and then.

The appointment I had to go to was in Boston. A few years back when I was diagnosed with HIV , I was also diagnosed with HPV (Human Papailloma Virus) and I had to have a boil removed from my lower butt cheek, which I never followed up visit on. I decided to go by myself and take public transportation into the city.

When I was in the doctor’s office, it was determined that a biopsy needed to be done. So the procedure was completed and the doctor placed a gauze up my butt. He then proceeded to tell me the do’s & don’t’s I needed to follow for the next few hours. One of which was to leave the gauze up there & not to have a bowl movement. Which I thought would be easier said than done since I didn’t have anything to eat yet that day. Of course having the selective memory I do, I forgot about the extra large coffee I drank on the train into the city.

So while I was leaving the office, I decided that there was no way in hell I could go back on the train/bus combo and sit for the hour plus ride back home. So I decided staying off my ass Newbury St. was the better option. Naturally since it was a Tuesday, I stopped into Best Buy to see the new releases of DVD’s & CD’s.

I was probably in the store for a matter of 10 minutes when I had the bowl sensation. So after another 5 minutes of browsing I decided there was no way this could be held in for a couple hours. I quickly walked to the restroom only to discover you needed a combination to get in. So I hustled over to a group of employees for assistance and this perky yet ditzy female employee volunteered her service.

We made our way back to the restroom door. Of course she must of assumed the combination was the same for the Men’s room as well as the Ladie’s room. So she preceded to type in the combo over & over, while saying repeatedly out loud "Gee, I wonder why it’s not working."
Mind you I’m standing there trying to hold my temper & deposit in, all the while sweating, rolling my eyes back into my head & doing the "I Gotta Shit" Dance.

Finally I snapped and yelled, "Can you get someone else, please." See even when I’m upset I still mind my manner and say "please". So she did get a male employee to open the door. So when he got the door and opened it, it was really time to play "Beat The clock". I knocked both of them out of the way and ran in. Naturally I was going so fast that when I flung open the stall door it ricocheted off the wall and slammed into my face. However, I did make it! Unfortunately, I now had a big red mark on my forehead.

So with that little episode over I thought I was in the clear to take the journey by bus back to my parents’ house, where I was staying for the next few days.

Alas no!

It had been a while since I had taken "Luxury Line" bus route, that my Uncle Barry affectionately names it, through Revere & Lynn MA. All went well until we got out of Boston and made the stop at the Wonderland T station. This was the stop that the majority of passengers got on.

Naturally, being still uncomfortable form my procedure I was in no mood to be squished on a bus like a sardine.

Of course to make matter worse the gentleman that sat to my left reeked of booze. I think I even got a little shit face from the fumes. Unfortunately I could not turn away because the guy to my right of me evidently forgot to have his morning Wheaties because he proceed to spend the whole ride picking his nose and eating his findings.

So today’s lesson learned is for me to just swallow my pride and ask for help or at least ask for a loan so I can afford to hire a personal chauffeur.

Looking Good & Feeling Old!

Well my years of denial are over, kids!

I've always prided myself into thinking that time has yet to make its faithful trip across my face. I guess it's too busy making the journey across the rest of my body.

I’m finally ready to admit, I’m old and SOOO OUT OF SHAPE!!

As I stated previously, I am almost at the two-month checkpoint of not having a car or a licence. And being the independent white woman I am, I don’t want to depend on the kindness of friends and family to cart my lazy ass around. So I came up with the brilliant idea of dusting off the old 10-speed and bringing it back with me to Haverhill.

Today I had to go to CVS to fill a perception & then go to City Hall to get a rebate on my excise tax (if I’m known I was going to get so much money back, I’d have totaled my car moths ago, j/k).

Of course I did not take into consideration that the town of Have-Hill for a reason this for a reason. There are too many freakin hills!

So there I was, hyperventilating as I pedaled downtown with my super-sized Slurpee in one hand and my over the shoulder satchel on the other side. I looked like a middle-aged Ellen Page in the movie Juno.

However, as long as the weather stays nice and I motivate myself to take a ride every day, I bet by the time it is for me to get my licence back, I’ll have the legs and thighs of Xenia Onatopp from the Bond flick, GoldenEye.

And They Called It Puppy Love!

My Baby, Sasha!

And Then There's Maude!

Sorry I had to post her! Now that I figured out how to add the visuals to my blog I couldn't just leave her out. Got Bea!

My First Celebrity Crush!

BO DUKE BABY!

I Write The Song That Make The Whole World Cringe!

Now The Diva's & my tomfoolery doesn't just consist of stealing, we are also known for our song writing skills. To be more to the point, our song parody writing skills.

It all began the night we went out to the disco Polly Estha’s. Polly Estha’s was primarily known for classic 80's club songs. As par of the course when I would dance and drink, certain songs would get stuck in my head long after I left a club. So while driving home, The Diva and I were sitting in the back seat and I was serenading the other passengers with that old 80's chestnut "Diamond Girl" by Nice & Wild. When The Diva blurts out she needed a new message on her answering machine.

So being three sheets to the wind, I grabbed her cell phone dialed her voice messenger and proceed to sing the following: (be aware you need to know the song to get the parody Don't worry I checked the video is on YouTube to refresh.)


Mandy Girl Isn’t Home.
So Leave A Message At The Tone.
Cuz She’s Probably On Another Call.
Yes!
Or She’s Hanging At The Mall.
Yes!
Or She’s On A Booty Call!
Yes!


Then there was the time that The Diva and I drove all night to Nofolk, Virginia, which we affectionately referred to as Nofuck, Vagina (again not that original), to visit her family. While driving down the highway at 5 am and high on cookies and Mountain Dew, Toni Braxton’s classic "Unbreak My Heart.". At that moment I rolled down the window turned in another memorable classic. Unsmell My Fart."

On that sour note, I will end the second chapter in "The (Mis)Adventures of Then Diva & Her Divo".

The Art Of Stealing!

Well I finally got the phone call that I’ve been half dreading. It was from "The Diva" (my fag hag for the last 15 years, Amanda).

"How come there aren’t more stories and dedications about me like the one you wrote about Oliver."

Well Diva your wish is my command.

The majority of our misadventures always seemed to involve stealing items from public places and trying to one up each other with our pirates’ booty.

The first item we swiped wasn’t very original, but it set the ball in motion. The Diva stole a Grey Pupoun jar & we processed to drive around town asking passers-by if "they would like some Grey Pupoun."

After that the ante needed to be upped. So one night when we were at the old nightclub where Oliver worked, Friends’ Landing in Haverhill MA, The Diva was admiring the table top Christmas trees. So the next night I went to club alone and proceeded to slyly take one of the trees off the window sill and shove it down the front of my pants. While the security guard gave me a look as I was exiting, he did not suspect what was down my pants. I guess he just thought I was happy to see him. Then I drove to The Diva’s house and left it in her driveway for her to find the next morning.

Not to brag but I did have better skills when it came to swiping items than The Diva. Because one Halloween she decided, she wanted to steal a pumpkin off the front of a store. Well she grabbed the pumpkin and began to run with it down the parking lot. Needless to say she was carrying the pumpkin by the stem and it proceeded to break. The stem wacked in the chin leaving a bruise and the pumpkin bounced down the parking lot.

However The Diva’s skills did get better. As on one faithful night she was out drinking with her friend Teresa while I was home sleeping. The two of them commiserated and stole the cardboard cut out of the Killian’s Beer girl from the bar. They then drove to my apartment, knocked on my door and ran behind the bushes . When I got to the door, half asleep mind you, it took me about 10 seconds to realize that the girl at my door was cardboard. At that moment, The Diva & Teresa jumped out from behind the bushes and yelled, "Gotcha!"

So concludes this first but certainly not last chapter of "The (Mis)Adventures of Then Diva & Her Divo".

Oh No They Didn't!

So, I’m sitting here watching Law & Order and every time it’s commercial break I’m inundated with a advertisement for lube. WTF, it’s 3:30 in the afternoon people.

First there was one for a product called Yours & Mine, which according to the commercial provides equal pleasure and satisfaction to both parties involved in the intimate act.

Then at another commercial break there was another ad. This one was geared towards those male individuals who are not lucky enough to have a partner to stimulate them. So you guessed it kids, they call the product J/O. Aw hell no!

Not that I’m a prude or I don’t understand the need for a little assistance in art of satisfying one self. But come on now, there is a time and a place for these types of advertisements. Like say after 9pm not after school. Hello?

Also before I get any sass for posting the pictures of the lubricants on my blog, I did take the initiative of adding and adult content disclaimer before going on the blog.

Viewing The View With Whoopi.

With all my spare time lately, I naturally been logging in many hours watching TV, especially the AM shows.

So I need to give props to Rosie O’Donnell’s replacement on The View, Whoopi Goldberg and her handling of discussion with ditzy Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Also I would like to place a bet with someone to see how long it will take Goldberg to blow her stack the way O’Donnell used to do as soon as Hasselbeck opens her mouth and spews her airheaded opinions.

Don’t get me wrong. Goldberg is handling herself at the moment with reserve and grace that O'Donnell lacked. But just looking at Goldberg as Hassellbeck speaks her mind, you can see the smoke coming out of Goldberg's ears as she is trying to bite her tongue and hold back.

Is it just me or does anyone else notice this?

Don't F*** With The Women In My Family!

So I got a few responses back about my blog. The majority of readers seem to really enjoy it when I share stories of my beloved Mimi.

So here’s a few more.

As I discussed in previous posts, Mimi liked to speak her mind and say & do exactly what she felt, especially in her later years. Pretty much the way Sophia did on the classic The Golden Girls, except Mimi was a bit more R-rated.

The first and best example of this was when Netty & I went to Mimi’s house to help her balance her checkbook.

Now I have to be fair to Netty here. While we all love her and understand she always has our best interests & intentions at heart; she lacks the delicate skill of getting her views across.

Case in point. Netty was explaining to Mimi how a checkbook should be properly balanced. Netty was using a tone that was a little too authoritarian for Mimi and Mimi was becoming a little offend to point that she needed to let her frustration out. So as I was sitting in between them at the kitchen table, Mimi told Netty exactly what she could do to the checkbook & herself. Unfortunately the Polygrip had worn off and as Mimi was spewing out the f-word her top teeth came out of her mouth and flew across the table grazing the tip of my nose. Well after the second of shocked horror set in, I proceeded to get up from the table and run into the other room. A few moments later, Netty came chasing after me expecting to see crying tears of sadness. She was surprised to see however while I was crying, the tears were not ones of sadness but utter hysteria.

Mimi’s straight forwardness was not limited to just family members mind you, but also complete strangers.

During the final years of her life, Mimi lived in an assisted living home. In this living home there was a common area where residents got together to watch TV. There was one particular male resident who would always interrupt the peaceful viewing and change the channel to a program he preferred to watch. Well, one day Mimi had enough and threatened to hit him with her walker if he continued to behave this way.

The following day, the gentleman proceeded to behave in the same manor. So Mimi, being a woman of good faith & word, proceeded to get up, go over to him, and slam her walker into his crotch. Unfortunately, this act of defiance banned Mimi from watching TV in the common area ever again.

Come on now! It wasn’t like Mimi didn’t have the courtesy to warn the guy!

Mimi’s defiance and outspokenness are defiantly hereditary traits.

I say this because one night while Mimi and I were having one of our late night talks she shared a story about Netty.

Netty used to work in Boston and take the train to and from the city each day. On one particular day, Netty was walking off the train and down the stairs. A guy bumped into her and his face landed firmly on her breast. The guy stated after the incident, "It was a good thing I landed on something soft." Netty of course being the daughter of the original ball buster punched him in the face and retorted, "Oh yeah, how soft did that feel!" and proceeded to walk to her car.

So the lesson learned here kids is, Don't f*** with the women in my family. They know their way around the rodeo.

What A World? What A World!

OMG! The Today Show is on in the background as I think of stories to add to my blog. How many times do we have to be inundated with the infamous Miley Cyrus photos?

On the flip side, what about last month & the big controversy of a 50 year old Jamie Lee Curtis showing off her bare shoulders on the cover of AARP. We've seen more of her in the 80's than we did in that photo.

But back to Cyrus!

Come on people first of all the pictures are not that big of a freakin’ deal. They’s not THAT racy .Ohhh! We see her bare back. Can someone refresh my memory here? Was there such an uproar back in the 70's when Brooke Shields played a prepubescent prostitute running around naked in Louis Malle’s Pretty Baby.

Besides how many pre teens are reading Vanity Fair anyway.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here, there are worse things being done by kids older and younger, famous (The Spears girls) and not so famous (the polyemist cult) than Cyrus.

But, if we have to go through the process of placing the blame let’s put it in its proper place. The parents! They allowed the pictures to be taken. They were present when the pictures were taken. I am also sure afterwards they given final approval on what pictures to use and publish.

We are living in a world where our kids are growing up fast. I’m not saying that we need to shut the kids off from the world until adulthood, but to be aware of what is out there in the world.
It is important that parents and guardians do their best to monitor what and how the kids see things and to be prepared to have open & honest discussions with them.

Also let the kids be kids and enjoy those early years of innocense. It doesn’t last!

I know I’m not a parent and I know there are things about me and my life that my nephew & nieces don’t know. They are very young and they don’t need to know at this stage of the game. But I feel I do have responsibility & time to prepare if I do inquire about me in the future. Also, since I am the uncle, I do have the responsibility to not answer any of their inquires until I have a prpper discussion with their parents. Because like I said previous if the parents are present in their lives, they have final say in what should and should not be discussed with the children.

Am I wrong?

Everything's Better With Feta!

Except when your nosy dog, Sasha, goes in to your upstairs neighbor’s apartment and eats all the Feta cheese off her salad that was left on her bedroom floor.

Before I get any crap for telling this story on my blog, I take full responsibility. I should of left my little pork chop downstairs.

The real reason I need to tell this story is to vent & protect Sasha from my fury. I've spent the last 2 days cleaning up her messes caused by an her upset stomach. Why she has this need to relieve herself in the very area that I like to sit or sleep, I will never know? This has culminated when I was woken up at 5:30 AM so she could go potty. When we crawled back into bed a few minutes later and I was about to fall asleep, Sasha proceeded to upchuck all down my back. and all over my sheets.

So to my neighbors Jackie & Aja, I am apologize if I was too loud this morning slamming doors and washing machines.

Livin' Thru!

The time has come for me to get back on track and interject this blog with some of seriousness and purpose that I originally intended.

So I would like to discuss my thoughts, feelings and fears about being a person living with HIV. But, don’t worry I’ll try to infuse my journey with my patented brand of humor.
It’s funny how the best part of my diagnosis is also to me the hardest part. Three years ago when I found out my HIV status, I was just getting my yearly check up and like always I took the HIVtest.

Well not only did I find out I was positive, my T-Cells were pretty much in the toilet, yet I was not sick. I didn’t even have a hint of a cold. So here I was feeling in perfect health yet on paper it looked really bad. So bad in fact I had to begin the meds regimen right away. The only way I could describe how I felt mental is to refer to it as a "total mind fuck." And all the doctors’ would reassure me by saying "Remember that you are not dying of AIDS, but living with HIV. This was the last thing I really needed to hear. Granted the doctors meant well, but finally I just snapped at one of them and made like Lynn Redgrave in one of her 80's Weight Watchers commercials and scream "This is Living?!?!"

At the time, only my friends Oliver & Amanda knew what I was dealing with and I was in no position mentally to let my immediate family in on my dilemma.

When I was prescribed the med cocktail of Combiver in the morning and Combiver & Sustiva in the evening, I was made full aware of the side effects that may occur. So I decided to being the regimen on a Friday night so at least I would have the weekend to work through any of those possible side effects.

Luckily the only side effect that I experienced was vomiting. Unfortunately though that Sunday we had a big family get together celebrating Mimi’s 90th birthday. So during the course of the party I made several trips to the bathroom. Alas, my trips fell under the radar of my noisy family (especially Netty) du to the fact that my Uncle Barry was dating this woman who was known for stocking her purse with a few or few dozen nip bottles. So no one paid any attention to how many trips I was making the powder room. All the attention was focused on the girlfriend. I should’ve sent Uncle Barry a "Thank You" card for his impeccable taste in women.

Well now the hard part is over and everyone in my family who "needed to know" is aware. I put "needed to know" in quotes because while I did agree with the doctors’ that everyone did not need to know, there were certain people who did. I mean to this day I’ve been lucky HIV wise and had never been sick, not even the sniffles, but I felt that God forbid something did occur and my immediate family was not aware of my status, it would be too hard to deal with something like this all at once. That way any anger, sadness and/or hostility could be taken in small doses and we could move onto the next dilemma.

I do understand that it is defiantly hard on my reserved non-progressive parents to have a son with HIV. When I was just dealing with the HIV and not the seizures & other dramas, my father would only ask about my health when he had a few beers in him, but he is better about talking to me now. Netty on the other hand needs to be occasionally reminded the only days, I will not discuss my health on my birthday or Christmas.

Now I am working on the next obstacle of living with HIV. And that is dating and meeting new people. For a couple of years I did shut myself of from the outside world, except for family, friends & co-workers. Now I am trying to push myself back out there. When chatting with new people especially prospective dates, I tell them right off the bat or at least at the beginning stages of getting to know someone, even though I don’t really need to disclose my status right away. I just don’t want them to find out down the line and have the feeling of being misled or betrayed. Ok, That’s a crock of shit. I tell people right away because I want to protect myself. There is still a lot of prejudice about HIV and I don’t to want to get too emotionally involved with someone only to have my heart torn out. This way if they know at the beginning and have a problem with it, they can just go screw themselves and not me.

Hopefully if any of my readers are dealing with the HIV issue can read this post and relate but also laugh a little bit knowing that there is some out there who knows what they are going through. And also know if someone like me can go through it and still get up each morning with the same drive and determination for living, anybody can do it.

The Joy Of NetFlix -- Why Do I Love The Movies I Love?

I have finally experienced the joys of NetFlix. You see if there was a movie I wanted to see I would just go to Target or Newbury Comic and buy. However now that I am in a state of unemployment, I really need take better control of my finance.

Plus, while my DVD collection is quite large, it just seems the same 20 or so DVDs are always playing. Like the movies on my "Movies I Love" list located to the right of the blog. But there are just some movies I enjoy but they are not ones I would want to watch over and over.

For example, I just bought Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead & The Brave One. While both were terrific movies, how many times can you really watch Philip Seymour Hoffman bare-asked backdoooring Marisa Tomei with her titties flapping or Jodie Foster in The Brave One playing it straight and straighten out the NYC thugs by gunning them down. Honestly!

But, I can watch Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford slap the shit out of Diana Scarwid in Mommie Dearest or Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton try to out wit and out drink each other in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, hundreds of times . Go Figure!

What's In A (Nick)Name?

I recently had feedback about the nickname’s I use in my blog. Reader were surprised we would call my mother, Annette, Netty; as well as calling our grandmother Mimi.
But you see kids, I have a God given right to call friends & especially family nicknames! Because very rarely am I'm NEVER called by my Christian name, Kevin. While I previously discussed the mean spirited & negative names I’ve been , I will now list the names I am affectionately referred to by family and friends. If memory serves I will give a little anecdote of how the nickname came about.

First, we will start with the one that started it all. As far back as I can remember, my ball busting Uncle Barry gave all the 8 grand kids a nickname. I can’t recall the other 7 kids’ names, maybe it was due to the nickname never stuck to them as well as a one would to me. That nick name was ‘Niffer".. When I was little I was "Little Niffer’ and as I grew I graduated to "Big Niffer".

Then there was the nickname I was appointed to by my grandfather (Mimi's husband), Papa. Papa would always refer to me as "The Scooch". "Scooch" was Italian for "pain in the ass". Well, I guess I did deserve that title, since I was the one that clogged the toilet with too much toilet paper on Christmas Day. Papa, with the reserve Italians are known for, proceeded to throw me out of the house and sent me home.

After Uncle Barry relinquished his crown as the family name caller, my older brother Sean took over the throne. The next few names were appointed to me by him.
First there was "Nookie". I got this name as a small child because I was always watching Sesame Street. For those old enough can recall there was a segment on the show where a cartoon typewriter would give the view a word of the day. When this typewriter would enter and exit the screen he sing a little ditty, "Noonie, Noonie, Noonie". My brother used to pin me to the ground and squeeze my nose until I chanted the typewriter’s song, because evidently I sounded just like the type writer when I did. That is how "Nookie" evolved and to this day I am usually still called, but with out the wrestling match.

Then there were the two nicknames in one. In my parents’ archive of photos there were several of me at the age of 2 or 3 where I was sporting a big red Afro. Yes, I was the whitest kid with the reddest hair on the block & I had an Afro. Yet calling "Curly" just was not creative enough for Sean. Being that it was the mid 80's and the show Dallas and JR Ewing was at their pinnacle. Sean decided the better nickname would be "Curly KR". So that nickname stuck for a while.
The last name Sean created for me came during the night we spent at Mimi’s and we were lying in bead talking. Sean was inquiring that when I got old if I were to have kids what should the kids call me. Well Sean felt "father", "dad", or "daddy" were not appropriate enough. So as I was about to fall asleep., he shook me and yelled out "How about "Pappy". Of course this name stuck and I was referred to as "Pappy" for a time.

And those are the nicknames I have been appointed over the years. While none have stuck as well as the previous mentioned "Nookie", I have a feeling new one's will be appointed. Sean's daughter, Kendall, inherited the knack for name calling. We were playing school one day and naturally I was the teacher. Kendall did not think calling me Mr. Brady was creative enough, so she came up with the original, "Mr. Bachagaloop". Which I am stilled by my niece no matter how many time I remind then school is over.

I Ain't Never Had A Friend Like Him!

It’s funny how life turns out. The twists and turns in our personal stories. Take for instance how my best gay friend Oliver earned that title. I have to differentiate and say best "gay" friend so The Diva doesn’t get jealous.

Many years ago I used hang out at this bar in Lynn MA, Fran’s place, all the time That’s where I first laid eyes on Oliver. I had the biggest crush. He was always stand at the bar with a bunch guys around him just being the center of their attention. But, I never had the balls to go over and talk to him. I know I sound like Michael Bien stalking Lauren Bacall in The Fan.

Then one night we had a chance meeting at the Mcdonald’s up the street from Fran’s. He was hanging with Chris, who I used to work with at Sears & an another mutual acquaintance, Gumby (not sure how he got the nickname, maybe cuz he was pudgy). Well, I was talking to them for a bit and then Oliver invited me to join them to go bar hopping around Lynn. Ever since we became the best of friends. Oliver has evolved from being that distant crush. In fact, I can’t even call him my best friend anymore. He’s my family. Oliver has become such a major part of my life. He is able to see me through the good and especially the bad. If it wasn’t for him and that sardonic wit of his, I honestly can say I never would’ve been able to make it through these last few of years.

I know he’s gong to call me an asshole for spilling my guts out like this. He hates it when I talk like this. He tends to get all veclement. And I do have to admit it is a little sadistic of me, that sometimes I enjoy getting him all veclement. Sometimes seeing getting all sensitive over minor things can cheer me up.

Like the time he and his boyfriend Michael dragged me to see the movie version of Rent. While I saw the original Broadway show when it first came out, I was hesitant to see the movie due my recent HIV diagnosis and movies about sick people made me upset. But while we were in the theater watching Jesse L. Martin singing at his lover funeral, I turned away. Next to me was Oliver & Michael in a deep embrace with tears flowing down their cheeks. I just could not contain myself and burst out laughing. Thank God we were they only ones in the theater so no one except for the big cry babies could declare me insensitive.

Hey Oliver, did you ever know that you’re my hero!

You are the wind beneath my wings, Sissy.

Why Did I Have To Tell Netty I was Gay?

Don't be misled by the title of this post. I don't mean "why" in the sense that I should've kept my sexuality a secret from my mother. I mean "why" in the sense here is a woman who prides herself on being so smarter and 3 steps ahead of everyone else, yet she couldn't figure it out herself. She had plenty of time as well as clues. In fact she should of pulled me out of the closest instead all those years I wasted denial.

Clue 1: It was 1979 and I was 5 years old. My favorite song that was constantly playing on my Mickey Mouse record player was Donna Summer's "Last Dance." Christ, I had a full length poster of her on my wall. You know the one with her sitting seductively "On the Radio".

Clue 2: My favorite character on the Muppet show was Miss Piggy. To take this obsession a step further, I used to go to kindergarten at least once or twice a week wearing her on my favorite baseball shirt. Not only was she on my shirt, but she was dressed up like the leather dude from the Village People riding a Harley, with big letters above her stating "Pig Power."

Clue 3: Going back to Donna Summer and the Village people. As I got older and into my teem years I had a vast collection of Cd's. The majority of them my gay icons. Yet, every Sunday, while Joan Crawford (Netty) was cleaning the house, she would go into my room and rummage through the Cd's and pull out Donna and the People's greatest hits as she "got mad at the dirt.".

Let me take a moment now to backtrack. I don't want to devote this post to Netty's denial but make you aware I had my own denial. You see I always felt like I was a late bloomer when it came to sex. I never talked or asked questions about it til I was in my early teens. I also never really figured out I was gay until I was 19. I can admit now I was suffering from my own cloud of denial. In junior high & especially high school I was always asking girls (none of which accepted an offer), yet when I found out my pinga could do more then go pee pee, I would always fantasize about the guy or guys I either watched in Sean's porn collection or the ones that were in the late movie on Skin(Cin)amax that night.

Then the faithful day came where I was off to college. I started at a little known college in Manchester, NH called Notre Dame College. While I was there I met my Resident Assistant (RA), Terry McDermott. Terry was a black man in his late 20's. He also had the most piercing green eyes. During orientation he came into my dorm room to chat sans his shirt. At that moment it was like a boulder hitting me that I figured it all out. Terry was also bisexual which I think help the process along because for that entire year I was there I could openly pine and profess my undying love for Terry. But like the girls in high school, Terry always shot me down. Yet in the long run he was right to do so. Since Terry and I were the only out gay/bisexual students, there weren't any others options to devote to my lust too.

Clue 4: Now back to Netty's denial. After I spent a year up in NH, I came back home and went to Salem State College in Salem , MA. With this new revelation, I decided to begin networking and joined the Gay, Lesbian & Bisexual group at school. All the while telling Netty I was at a newspaper meeting on Monday evenings. There I made a great group of friends and quickly was voted to the board of the group as a Secretary/coordinator. I also became really close, for a time, with the president, Carol Leturno. Carol was around my age and was a lesbian. We were always hanging out after school and on weekends. She was always coming home and having dinner with my family. According to my aunt, Netty always assumed Carol was my girlfriend. Although the flame may have dimmed a few degrees in personality, Carol is what we like to refer to as a "bull dyke". Yet, Netty never caught on. Never until of course, all my gay friends took me out to dinner for my birthday and Carol decided to invite Netty. And that is when Netty was able to put 2 and 2 together and finally ask me about my sexuality. It still was difficult to tell her and talk about being gay, but thank the lord she had a little more reserve than her mother Mimi and only discuss the sexuality part and not the actual sex acts.

Sex And The Mimi!

Before you all get sassy with me about conducting a post linking my elderly dearly departed grandmother & sex, you need to read the post fully to understand the hilarity it brought me and my friends when I would share these next few stories. Hopefully you will find the humor in it as well.

First lets start with the day Mimi inquired about my sexual prowlness. To be more direct the day she asked me if I was still a virgin. I was about 15 years old give or take a year. It spring and the weather was getting nice out and it was time to change the storm window from her front door and replace it with the screen window.

Mimi always had a special knack for saying what was on her mind, although she was also had the knack for inappropriate timing. She asked me the big question as I was taking the heavy storm window down. Due to my shock and embarrassment of interrogation, I dropped the storm window on my foot and nearly broke my big toe.

Then there was the one Thanksgiving we were over our Uncle Bobby & Aunt Marlene's. My aunt's friend came over with her new dog to show off and my aunt's dear friend Linda, (RIP, Love ya) stated, "If I knew animals were invited I would have brought my cat." To which Mimi replied, "That's OK honey, at least you brought you're pussy."

Well thank the Lord I knew the basics of giving the Heimlich maneuver, because my brother Sean, who was sitting next to me nearly passed out when his apple pie went down the wrong pipe.

Finally,it was time to get Mimi back for all the embarrassment she cause. OK well embarrassment was what the adults in our family would call it; us kid referred to it is ROTFLOAO.

One Sunday morning Netty was in her usual Joan Crawford mode cleaning the house, when she was in my brother's room making his bed properly. In Netty's rule book on "How To Make Your Bed Properly", for some reason you need to go under the bed. While she was under there she stumbled upon a videocassette with some 80's comedy written on it. So she placed it on my brother's desk. When I came upon it, I inquire what was it doing on the desk, because due to my own expertise the art of snooping, I knew what was really on the cassette (yes, a porn). My sister, Cheryl said Netty found it on Sean's floor and we were going to watch it that night after dinner with Mimi. Well I warned Cheryl of the real content on the tape and advise it wasn't a good idea. Well Cheryl though it still was. So after dinner Netty & Jack (Dad) were upstairs hanging curtains. Cheryl placed the tape in the VCR and pushed play. Well, Mimi let out a scream, "What the hell is this!" At that time our parents ran down the stairs and Netty inquired, "What's a matter, Ma." At this point Cheryl had already pushed stop on the VCR and while the porn was only on for a matter of 15 seconds Mimi proceeded to give a full detailed description of what she just saw on the screen. "Your daughter put this movie on and there was a guy butt-ass naked with his whatskey (Yiddish for penis) hanging down with his face in this girl's ponani (Mimi was married to an Italian.) Mind you at this stage in Mimi's life she had a habit of asking you the same question 3 or 4 times in a matter of 30 seconds even though you responded each time with an answer, yet when it came to watching a dirty movie she could remember what was on the screen with a photographic skill. HAHA! Gotta love Mimi!

A Disavantage To Having A Fag Hag!

There are many advantages to having a "fag hag". Which are but not limited to, she will always cheer you up when you are down, she will always give you the opposite sex opinion on a topic, and most importantly she will always be a loyal and devoted companion as you travel along different paths in life.

However there is one major disadvantage of having a fag hag as I have experienced in the past. Make is not fiercer than you or "The Diva" as I affectionately call my hag, Amanda. Remember the fag is The Diva or Divo, depending on where you fall on the Kinsey sale of sexuality.

There was an episode in my life, where I recently dumped by a fella I was seeing. So to get me out of my pity stupor and back in the game "The Diva" invited me to tag along to a party at one of her co-worker's friends house. Well the party was held at very attractive gay man's house, who we dubbed Michael Cha Cha Cha (Michael was his first name and Cha Cha Cha was the name of the salon he ran and owned . Once I saw him I instantly forgot about what's his name and developed a crush on Michael. "The Diva" and I proceed to be our usual up beat selves, enjoyed a wild night of dancing, drinking and socializing. At the end of the night as we were leaving I got a hug and a peck on the cheek from Mr. Cha Cha Cha and proceeded to talk about him the entire ride home.

The following weekend, it was time for me to hang out with my gay male cohorts. We decided to go into the city to a gay club called Machine. While standing at the bar waiting to get a drink I noticed Mr. Cha Cha Cha from across the room and he noticed me. He instantly smile and proceeded to walk over to be and my heart was all a flutter. Then he spoke and like a bomb hitting Baghdad, my heart explode. As all Mr.s Cha Cha Cha could do was talk about "The Diva" . He didn't even refer to her by her parents' given name of Amanda. So for the next 5 minutes, I had to hear about how "'Diva' is so funny, pretty, energetic and has a real zest for life." All the while I wanted to know what he thought about me. OK, what I really wanted to do was slap the shit out of this queen and go home.

So that kids, is my valuable lesson when it comes time to appoint yourself a "fag hag". Before it's too late, make sure they are not funnier, prettier , more energetic or have zestier outlook life than yourself.

PS: Diva, if reading this taking with the grain of salt I wrote it with, because deep down I know you know that you will always no one can replace you as my one & only fag hag.

Having Tourette's!

Another aspect about me that I feel is important to disclose to help readers understand how I became who I am, is the fact that I have Tourette's Syndrome.

When thinking of Tourette's, most people think of it being associated with uncontrollable outbursts of vulgarities. While I do not have this form of Tourette's, I have been known on occasion to lie and say that I do so I don't have to take responsibility for spewing out the "F" or "C" word now and again.

The Tourette's all began when I was around the age of two and I began swiveling my head around in a circular motion. For lack of a better way of describing the motion it is similar to what Stevie Wonder does with his head (although I do not personally know why or if he does this due to Tourette's).

While there are many difficulties in having Tourette's, the major issue I have is that 90% of the time I don't have a clue that my head is moving around. I say 90% because sometimes if I'm over emotional, whether in a positive or negative way, I can catch myself at the tail end of the cycle.

As of right now that is the only real issue I have with having Tourette's. However when I was younger it was very difficult and often traumatic, especially during grade school years, when I was constantly being teased.

But as I got older and the pubescent years arrived, I began to develop a thicker skin. Not that it made it that much easier because I was known to fight back and get into trouble for the fights. However it did get easier and I was able to laugh off the name calling and as well as retaliate in a more creative and less confrontational way, using with my own patterned wit and style, to the comments made about or at me.

There was one particular incident that sticks out to best describes how I can turn a negative name calling situation around.

Over the years the most common name or names I was called were either "Swivel Head" or "Stevie Wonder". However one particular kid in school, who's name escapes me, decided to refer to me as "Slush Puppy", since he thought the motion of my head was similar to the old Slush Puppy machines found in convenient stores. Now, my first instinct was to advise him that a person with a uni brow should not be making comments about an others abnormalities, however I digressed and took it a step further. At this point in my life I was getting tied of being called swivel head the majority of the time. So, I got up from my desk &I walked over the the teacher's desk and grabbed stack of gold stars and proceeded to thank him out loud for his wit originality and then proceeded to place one of the gold star right in the center of his uni-brow. So while this episode helped be deal with my abnormality, I was also able to help this student with his.

Remembering Mimi!

First off the Mimi in the title is not an obsessive Mariah Carey reference. It is what we called my maternal grandmother because my brother could not say any of the common variations of "grandmother" and started hiting her one day yelling "Mimi, Mimi Mimi".

Before Mimi passed away on April 14th 2005 at age 90, we had a shared a very special & close relationship. I am extremely proud to say she will always and forever (even in death) be my best friend, partner in crime and confidant. My blog will be filled with stories of how she made guided me through the important formative years, but also made me laugh. Not only did I think of these memories to help pick my spirits up, but also would use them for entertainment for others. You see when meeting mew people and making a friend or friends, I would really on a Mimi story or stories to close the deal and allow some into my inner circle.

Since my last post was about movies that inspired me, I will start off with listing the movies that I have in my collection because either I saw them with Mimi or it's a movie Mimi saw without me, but a story needs to be told.

The first movie I should begin with is , The Silence of the Lambs. OK, so before I get any comments thinking "you saw that with you grandmother", no I did not see it with her. But it is important to start off with it because she saw it without me and because of it she was never allowed to go to the movies without me.

Back in 1991 when the movie came out Mimi and her other widowed girlfriends, who I affectionately refereed to as "The Cemetery Club" would get together and go out to eat and sometimes go see a movie afterwards. Being they were not too up to date on what a particular movie was about they would get to the theatre see what movie was about to begin. In this case it was The Silence of the Lambs. Throughout the movie they were horrified and appalled by what was going on screen, yet they chose to stay for the entire movie and watch til the end. After the movie, Mimi decided to go to management and complain about the horrors they have just witnessed on screen. In turn, the manger chose to give all the ladies a full refund. (Lesson learned doesn't hurt to complain if you didn't like a movie). Well the following year while we were watching the Academy Awards, Mimi got all excited when Jodie Foster won for Best Actress. I proceeded to remind Mimi she hated that movie and she replied, "I know, but the shit that poor girl had to put up with in that movie she deserved something."

The second movie on my Mimi list is Bette Midler's For The Boys. Not so much for the movie it self but for what transpired before the movie. My cousin Todd and I took Mimi to see the movie and while we were standing in line at the concession stand we repeated asked her if she wanted anything to snack on. In turn, Mimi repeatedly replied with a "No, I not hungry." Well we get into the theatre and take our seats. Since we still had about 10 minutes before the movie start, Todd decided it was a good time to take a quick run to the bathroom. He hand Mimi his full bag of popcorn to hold. He must of been gone for under 5 minutes but upon his return Mimi had eaten about half the bag. The "WTF" look on my Todd's face was priceless.

The last movie I have a fond story to share about Mimi is 2002's Chicago. This was the last movie I took Mimi to see. It has a special place in my heart because it reminds me of the transition & role reversal we can experience as we get older. At the time of the movies release, Mimi was well into her 80's and living in a nursing home due to her declining health. My Uncle Bobby, who BTW is Todd's father usually was in charge of taking Mimi on her doctor's appointments and other various errands. If he was unable to do so, the next in line was me as was the case of this one particular Saturday. After the appointment, Mimi was in good spirits and health. It was such a nice day I decided that it would be a shame to have her waste it back at the home so I offered to take her to lunch & a movie. We went to the mall and had our lunch. While walking through the mall to the theatre, Mimi naturally stopped at the same store her daughter/my mother, Annette, would stop (Don't tell Netty, they're alike). Mimi instructed me to go on ahead and get the tickets, as once again Netty usually did. Upon my return Mimi was holding a lovely red blouse she was found of. Mimi of course did not have any money on her and proceeded to ask me to buy the blouse for her. At that moment thoughts of the times & tantrums I would throw as a child in stores when I wanted her to buy me something rushed through my brain. I proceeded to buy her the blouse and we went on to see the movie and enjoyed the rest of the day.

To end the Mimi & Movies post, I want to make special mention of 2 other movies I saw with her. As they did not have a detailed story but just the fact they were personal favorites of hers and she would always call me and either remind me that they are on TV or tell me the next day that it was on the previous night. However she would always tell me in code.

The first was Rain Man, as this was Mimi's all time favorite movie. All she would have to do is call and state a number, be 3, 30 or 300., and I would know she just saw the movie and the number refereed to the times she had seen it.

Second is Pretty Woman. After seeing Julia Roberts on screen in this performance, Roberts became Mimi's favorite actress and every time Roberts was on TV of at the movie she would refer to her as Pretty Woman, never as Julia Roberts.

Events & Movies That Made Me Rethink A Career In Writing.

Well, Now that we are fast approaching the end of the of the first decade of the new millennium, it seems everyone and their grandmother has a blog, website & on Youtube. Some of these site are a diving board for a career. So I'm jumping on board to see if I can land in the pool.

Also recently in my downtime I saw 3 movies that made me think why I can and should start writing again. I will list them and give a brief summary as to what the inspiration was:

1. Into the Wild:

I really connected to the plot. Here was a young man who went through life and did what was expected and told to do. After he graduated college, he decided to detour and not take the next logical step. He threw away all personal belonging and connection to his affluent life and hitchhike across the country to Alaska. It just seemed to correlate with what I was going through at the time as I mentioned in my previous post.

2. Forgetting Sarah Marshall:

OK, yeah I know it's a comedy for the school of Judd Apatow. And es my main reason for seeing it at first was for "The Scene" of star Jason Segal being dumped by his girlfriend while buck naked (so now you know I like guys that look like guys and not twinks or muscle jocks). Then when I was read review and article about the movie and how Segal told this was a true story and how he could not wait for the girlfriend to leave so he could write the experience down due to the humor of the situation. I thought to myself, "Damn Kev, How many times have you had a negative experience and took yourself out to the situation and thought what a riot it would be if it was happening to someone else."

3. Juno:

While I liked the movie, I did not love it like most people did. Plus, I want to see what else Ellen Page can do, because it seems from her public appearance she is not much unlike the character. Sorta like Liza in Cabaret. But the inspiration came knowing the screenwriter Diablo Cody, who know has an Oscar on her mantle, used to be employed as a exotic dancer. Again, i thought to myself. "Shit, you can do this too."

I'm Back, I'm here to Stay, Dammit!

OK! So I attempted to create a blog about 10 years ago, but never really had the time to dedicate to it. But now here I am again 10 years older & 10 years wiser. And as Yvonne DeCarlo (Lily Munster) sang in the ORIGINAL version, "I'm Still Here!" I know she sang the song in the original B-Way production but my mind is blank on the name of the show. I think it was Company? Can a theatre queen refresh my memory?

You see as of right now, I should be posting thoughts every day as I am currently unemployed. However, while I'm leisurely collecting the unemployment checks and looking for a job I can be passion it about, I am also using this blog to devote to my true loves & talents; Writing and of course shooting my mouth off.

Also I hope someone or someones will read my blog and find the inspiration and will to go on an concur life's little obstacles.

I should give you a little background on me so you know the obstacles I have endured yet managed to move on with the continuing energy and wit I known for amongst my friends & family.

I am a single HIV+ gay man who in about 6 months will be hitting my 35th birthday. Whoever is reading this remember though tell people I'm 29. Oh wait, my blog will hopefully be read by a lot of gay males and I'm already asking them to keep a secret. Because we all know the 3 fastest ways to get a secret out is, "Tel-A-Phone, Tel-A-gram or Tell-A-Queen."

But enough about age and status. Although they are minor setbacks and obstacles, I just recently had a major one.

For the past 10 years, give or take, I've been having minor seizures. Some times I would have a few in a month. in a week or even several during to course of a day. These seizures would start out with my mind wandering off and then I would begin to sweat and then the right side of my body would lose all motor control. These seizures for the most part would only last 30 seconds or so & I brushed them off as pnic attacks. However a little over a month ago, The sensations began to escalate and the last one I had was when I was driving my car causing a major accident. I blacked out and ended up in Mass. General Hospital for a week.

So now I am on seizure medication and by law my licence was revoked. However the law also states if I stay on the meds and not have a seizure in a 6 month time frame, I will automatically get my licence renewed. And so far so good the meds are working and no seizures.

So now after wasting my 20's on coasting through this thing we call life, I am now in my mid 30's and at the crossroads. It's time to step up to the plate and do what I want to do with this life I've been handed. And I chose to open my world up to whoever wants to read and learn from my experiences and thoughts. "Will this lead to helping others?" or "Will this lead to me getting a career started that involved some sort of writing?" Who the hell knows, but what it will do right now is get my thoughts out of my head and documented and allow me to move forward with my life.

So here we begin a new and hopefully lasting chapter in the Life of Kevin B.